I missed a posting day. But I'm already back so, when compared with my last scheduling failure (where I missed approximately 72 posting days), that's not really that bad. And this time I have a legitimate excuse - I'm rocking some serious overtime at work for the next couple of weeks. So if these next these next few entries aren't up to my usual standard of thoughtful and intelligent rhetorical deconstruction paired with sparkling, Dorothy Parker-like, wit, please forgive me.*
Moving right along, September is clearly going to be Tyra Month. In addition to the impending release of literary game-changer Modelland, next month brings us a new season of ANTM. More than that, it's an all-star season. Which basically makes no sense, because some of these women are now north of thirty. And it's not that I find thirty particularly old in any real world sense, it's just that this isn't the real world - it's modelling.
For the high-fashion stuff that Tyra seems to be leaning toward, 18 is a little old, and 24 is impossibly ancient. At thirty, I don't really know what there is, aside from catalog work (which Tyra talks about as if it were on par with modelling for escort service ads), so what's the prize? I mean, if it's just a crap-ton of money then awesome - enjoy the flaming shark tank catwalk that Tyra has probably constructed. But if it's another contract - who would it be with? Activia? Even the regular series' Cover Girl ads get minimal airplay (because, as my friend put it- what's going to sell more product: Some girl that a few people watched on a reality show for a few weeks, or an actual celebrity?), so if it's just another contract with them, how much support do you think a 29-year-old neophyte is going to get? Would a couple of commercials that will barely air really be worth a month plus in a house stacked with 50-70% Designated Cycle Bitches?
Which, of course, isn't to say that I won't watch. The season premiere airs the day after the release of Modelland, and Tyra is Tyra. She's made contestants recreate her old pictures, live in Tyra-themed apartments, and perform in her music video. I have to believe in a world where this season includes at least one Modelland-themed challenge. And when Tyra sends those girls through a military obstacle course wearing thigh-high boots with 8-inch stiletto heels - all while telling thing that they shouldn't complain because it's TOTALLY like that time she had to walk a runway in Milan in platforms that were too small - I want to be there.
*A "does this just happen" to me question: do you ever worry that, when you're being self-effacing, people just think you have a severely inflated self-image?
Showing posts with label ANTM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ANTM. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
It's a matter of priorities
I had a post planned - it was going to be about how shamefully bad I am at blogging. But it will have to wait, because there are much more important things to discuss.
Specifically, Tyra Banks' book.
Tyra Banks' YA magical supermodel fantasy book. It's coming out in September, and I just don't know if I can do it. I want to, because I love YA, and I love trashy urban-fantasy YA even more. 70% of the books I've read in the last three months have involved angsty witches and lovestruck half-demons. Modelland should offer all of that, plus some good old fashioned Tyra-brand narcissism.
And the magical supermodels are called Intoxibellas! That is the single most ridiculous thing that I've heard in months. Which is saying a lot, given my new-found infatuation with Toddlers and Tiaras.This book sounds like the exact sort of thing that I would buy with cash at a bookstore in a part of town where no one knows me, read four times, and NEVER EVER put on my bookshelf.
But then...
The internet tells me that about a week ago, Ms. Banks herself went on GMA with a giant feather glued over her eyebrow. She told GMA Lady Host that it was called a "smize" because of course it is. Apparently, a young Ninja-Fairy-SuperMagic Modelling School candidate increases her chances of being admitted to Ninja-Fairy-SuperMagic Modelling School by 91% if she has a piece of leftover Mardi Gras mask stuck to her face. Why? I have NO IDEA.
Because I tried, y'all. I did. But I only made it a minute into watching the video online (I don't watch GMA - what's the point of a morning show that doesn't include Kathy Lee downing half a bottle of wine?). I just couldn't take it. And if I can't handle three minutes of Tyra, how am I going to handle 576 pages?
That's right, 576 pages of pure Tyra. This could easily prove to be the most amazingly unnecessary book in the history of the world. I MUST KNOW what Tyra Banks spends nearly 600 saying about Tookie (actual character name) the Magic Model, and the perils of Thigh High Boot Camp (actual plot point), but I think that reading it might break my brain.
Note: This is the first time I've used "books" as a label. So, to the casual observer, this is the only book I've ever even considered. If you need me, I'll be in a shame spiral.
Specifically, Tyra Banks' book.
Tyra Banks' YA magical supermodel fantasy book. It's coming out in September, and I just don't know if I can do it. I want to, because I love YA, and I love trashy urban-fantasy YA even more. 70% of the books I've read in the last three months have involved angsty witches and lovestruck half-demons. Modelland should offer all of that, plus some good old fashioned Tyra-brand narcissism.
And the magical supermodels are called Intoxibellas! That is the single most ridiculous thing that I've heard in months. Which is saying a lot, given my new-found infatuation with Toddlers and Tiaras.This book sounds like the exact sort of thing that I would buy with cash at a bookstore in a part of town where no one knows me, read four times, and NEVER EVER put on my bookshelf.
But then...
The internet tells me that about a week ago, Ms. Banks herself went on GMA with a giant feather glued over her eyebrow. She told GMA Lady Host that it was called a "smize" because of course it is. Apparently, a young Ninja-Fairy-SuperMagic Modelling School candidate increases her chances of being admitted to Ninja-Fairy-SuperMagic Modelling School by 91% if she has a piece of leftover Mardi Gras mask stuck to her face. Why? I have NO IDEA.
Because I tried, y'all. I did. But I only made it a minute into watching the video online (I don't watch GMA - what's the point of a morning show that doesn't include Kathy Lee downing half a bottle of wine?). I just couldn't take it. And if I can't handle three minutes of Tyra, how am I going to handle 576 pages?
That's right, 576 pages of pure Tyra. This could easily prove to be the most amazingly unnecessary book in the history of the world. I MUST KNOW what Tyra Banks spends nearly 600 saying about Tookie (actual character name) the Magic Model, and the perils of Thigh High Boot Camp (actual plot point), but I think that reading it might break my brain.
Note: This is the first time I've used "books" as a label. So, to the casual observer, this is the only book I've ever even considered. If you need me, I'll be in a shame spiral.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Out of touch with reality
It's been awhile. I'm going to blame holiday-related lethargy. It radiated into the entire month of November.
Anyway, I spent all last night preparing to post about ANTM, but it occurred to me that regardless of the winner, I didn't care that much. Ann can't do commercial work, and even at her best has a weird walk. Chelsey is probably too old to really take off, and I keep calling her "Celia" in my head, so obviously I don't have some great love of her work either. I haven't really cared about a finale since Annaleigh (completely illogically) lost to "McKee" a million seasons ago. But that left me with nothing to write about.
And then I watched the premiere of Top Chef: All-Stars. (Warning: There are spoilers ahead. But season premiere spoilers, so they barely count).
The episode itself was pretty good - the All-Stars are pretty well-selected (though I wish Nice Voltaggio or Future Santa Claus Kevin signed on instead of Mike), and the producers can be happy that most of the people known for being a-holes seem largely unchanged and unapologetic (looking at you, Marcel). Everything was exactly as it should be, including the first challenge - revamp the dish that got you booted from your season. Even better, while half of the chefs cooked, the other half ate their competitions dishes with the judges. And the chefs who cooked watched the diners on closed circuit TV from the kitchen. All good stuff. Then Anthony Bourdain called Fabio's pasta dish one of the worst things he'd ever eaten. Only, you know, in a Bourdanier (let's agree that that's a word) way. Fabio was pissed, which is fair.
Here's what isn't: at judging Fabio went off on this whole thing about how he came here to be criticized in a constructive way, not to be made fun of (question: how do you rephrase that to move the preposition? I mean, without sounding like a douche). He even implies that, if they weren't in a judge/contestant situation, he might even actually fight Bourdain.
That's where I got kind of annoyed - it's not just that I'm pretty sure Bourdain is a scrapper who could totally take Fabio. Nor is it just that I'm of that camp that thinks getting in the judges faces is petty and unprofessional. No, my main problem is that being made fun of is EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR. Because, before anything else, this is a reality show. So when Tyra calls your walk goofy, Michael Kors says you made your model look like a slutty disco ball or Tom Colicchio says your food was so bad it actually offended him on a personal level, yes it sucks, but no one made you audition.
If you're looking for a bunch of people to taste your food, then focus on helping you improve it using really constructive and ego-bolstering language, you should take cooking classes at Williams-Sonoma. These are judges. Their job is to judge. Preferably in a way that's entertaining. And using language strong enough that it helps the audience get really committed to the idea that this person deserves to win, and this person should be banned from ever cooking again ever.
Not knowing this going into a competition-based reality show is naive (the format is hardly new); not knowing this going into your SECOND competition-based reality show is just plain dumb. But that's okay. Given the competition, I'm sure Fabio will only have to deal with it for a few weeks.
Anyway, I spent all last night preparing to post about ANTM, but it occurred to me that regardless of the winner, I didn't care that much. Ann can't do commercial work, and even at her best has a weird walk. Chelsey is probably too old to really take off, and I keep calling her "Celia" in my head, so obviously I don't have some great love of her work either. I haven't really cared about a finale since Annaleigh (completely illogically) lost to "McKee" a million seasons ago. But that left me with nothing to write about.
And then I watched the premiere of Top Chef: All-Stars. (Warning: There are spoilers ahead. But season premiere spoilers, so they barely count).
The episode itself was pretty good - the All-Stars are pretty well-selected (though I wish Nice Voltaggio or Future Santa Claus Kevin signed on instead of Mike), and the producers can be happy that most of the people known for being a-holes seem largely unchanged and unapologetic (looking at you, Marcel). Everything was exactly as it should be, including the first challenge - revamp the dish that got you booted from your season. Even better, while half of the chefs cooked, the other half ate their competitions dishes with the judges. And the chefs who cooked watched the diners on closed circuit TV from the kitchen. All good stuff. Then Anthony Bourdain called Fabio's pasta dish one of the worst things he'd ever eaten. Only, you know, in a Bourdanier (let's agree that that's a word) way. Fabio was pissed, which is fair.
Here's what isn't: at judging Fabio went off on this whole thing about how he came here to be criticized in a constructive way, not to be made fun of (question: how do you rephrase that to move the preposition? I mean, without sounding like a douche). He even implies that, if they weren't in a judge/contestant situation, he might even actually fight Bourdain.
That's where I got kind of annoyed - it's not just that I'm pretty sure Bourdain is a scrapper who could totally take Fabio. Nor is it just that I'm of that camp that thinks getting in the judges faces is petty and unprofessional. No, my main problem is that being made fun of is EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR. Because, before anything else, this is a reality show. So when Tyra calls your walk goofy, Michael Kors says you made your model look like a slutty disco ball or Tom Colicchio says your food was so bad it actually offended him on a personal level, yes it sucks, but no one made you audition.
If you're looking for a bunch of people to taste your food, then focus on helping you improve it using really constructive and ego-bolstering language, you should take cooking classes at Williams-Sonoma. These are judges. Their job is to judge. Preferably in a way that's entertaining. And using language strong enough that it helps the audience get really committed to the idea that this person deserves to win, and this person should be banned from ever cooking again ever.
Not knowing this going into a competition-based reality show is naive (the format is hardly new); not knowing this going into your SECOND competition-based reality show is just plain dumb. But that's okay. Given the competition, I'm sure Fabio will only have to deal with it for a few weeks.
Friday, November 19, 2010
La Croix, sweetie, La Croix!
Ok, so this is far from a certainty, but I'm opting to get really excited now even though it may mean being horribly disappointed later : AbFab may come back!
Jennifer Saunders isn't currently working, because she's in treatment for breast cancer, but it seems like she's been kicking the idea around with Joanna Lumley. BUT she's not making any statements about it at this point (which is understandable- she got bigger things to deal with), so she may never opt to advance it past the "kicking the idea around" stage. Plus, who knows if June Whitfield, Julia Sawalha and Jane Horrocks would necessarily be interested in coming back.
But who needs a measured and reasonable perspective on the situation? AbFab may come back!
While we're on the subject of fashion comedies, on this week's ANTM Tyra (who is basically a parody of a parody of a parody of herself at this point) aired her directorial debut. And it is...so many things. Mostly it's like a really bad student-level art film. But there's a wonderful segment around the 1:15 mark where Tyra seemed to ask herself "What if that girl from The Ring had been FIERCE and SMIZED?"
It's one of my new favorite things.
Jennifer Saunders isn't currently working, because she's in treatment for breast cancer, but it seems like she's been kicking the idea around with Joanna Lumley. BUT she's not making any statements about it at this point (which is understandable- she got bigger things to deal with), so she may never opt to advance it past the "kicking the idea around" stage. Plus, who knows if June Whitfield, Julia Sawalha and Jane Horrocks would necessarily be interested in coming back.
But who needs a measured and reasonable perspective on the situation? AbFab may come back!
While we're on the subject of fashion comedies, on this week's ANTM Tyra (who is basically a parody of a parody of a parody of herself at this point) aired her directorial debut. And it is...so many things. Mostly it's like a really bad student-level art film. But there's a wonderful segment around the 1:15 mark where Tyra seemed to ask herself "What if that girl from The Ring had been FIERCE and SMIZED?"
It's one of my new favorite things.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The best night in television
Some times in life, there is a sentence that simply must begin with a "y'all".
Example: Y'all, it's makeover night on America's Next Top Model. I love makeover night. I love it in a way that I would express with capital letters and extra o's, but I've already y'alled today, and I try to only publicize one of my shameful speech tendencies per post.
Makeover night has the power to be one of the best episodes the Top Model season, because it's the one where the girls cry and you don't have to feel even sort of bad about it. I'm sure having to change your hair and having no choice in the matter sucks, but at this point, it's Cycle 83.7 or something; if your hair is "just such a huge part of who (you) are", then DON'T AUDITION. Because Tyra, it seems, created this entire show as an excuse to shave girl's heads, dip them in bleach, or boldly explore new territory in the world of weaves. In fact, as the cycles have gone on, it's basically divided into three makeover choices: Super-short/shaved head; world's longest weave, or as blonde as they can get your before your scalp bleeds enough that EMTs are called. Oh, and eyebrow bleaching. And yet, even when they get one of these obvious categories, these girls freak out because somehow, they thought they'd be the exception, and Tyra would deem their hair perfect just the way it is. It's not going to happen, darlings.
Except for last season (or was it the one before that?) where the girl LOST IT when she thought they were cutting her hair, and then the Jays said "J/K, we think you're the Queen of Magic Modelland!", which pissed me off, because seriously? Any other girl threw a fit like that and she would of been on the first bus home.
Anyway, the three rotating makeover options have gotten crazy dull, but there are always exceptions, and that's gives makeover night it's potential. It's the hope that somewhere in between finding different reference points for "it'll be a crap load of (potentially busted-looking) weave" Tyra will pop out with "I'm going to give you hair like a glittering horse's mane."
And, in case that happens, don't you want to be there?
Example: Y'all, it's makeover night on America's Next Top Model. I love makeover night. I love it in a way that I would express with capital letters and extra o's, but I've already y'alled today, and I try to only publicize one of my shameful speech tendencies per post.
Makeover night has the power to be one of the best episodes the Top Model season, because it's the one where the girls cry and you don't have to feel even sort of bad about it. I'm sure having to change your hair and having no choice in the matter sucks, but at this point, it's Cycle 83.7 or something; if your hair is "just such a huge part of who (you) are", then DON'T AUDITION. Because Tyra, it seems, created this entire show as an excuse to shave girl's heads, dip them in bleach, or boldly explore new territory in the world of weaves. In fact, as the cycles have gone on, it's basically divided into three makeover choices: Super-short/shaved head; world's longest weave, or as blonde as they can get your before your scalp bleeds enough that EMTs are called. Oh, and eyebrow bleaching. And yet, even when they get one of these obvious categories, these girls freak out because somehow, they thought they'd be the exception, and Tyra would deem their hair perfect just the way it is. It's not going to happen, darlings.
Except for last season (or was it the one before that?) where the girl LOST IT when she thought they were cutting her hair, and then the Jays said "J/K, we think you're the Queen of Magic Modelland!", which pissed me off, because seriously? Any other girl threw a fit like that and she would of been on the first bus home.
Anyway, the three rotating makeover options have gotten crazy dull, but there are always exceptions, and that's gives makeover night it's potential. It's the hope that somewhere in between finding different reference points for "it'll be a crap load of (potentially busted-looking) weave" Tyra will pop out with "I'm going to give you hair like a glittering horse's mane."
And, in case that happens, don't you want to be there?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Just when I think I'm out....
Last season, I quit watching America's Next Top Model. Or maybe it was the cycle before that. I have no idea. But it doesn't matter because the show airs so continuously that it's all starting to bleed together. And because it didn't last. By the end of the cycle, I was back in front of the TV, shouting that the girl with the shitty runway walk should have been cut weeks ago, and accepting "smize" as a word.
This cycle, though, was going to be different. We'd moved, so we had a new DVR which meant ANTM we no longer set to record. So I could just not record it, and that would be that. And that's exactly what I did.
Until 7:30 last night, when I decided I had to check it out. After all, this season's prizes include a spread in Vogue Italia, plus the cover of the beauty supplement (is that prestigious? I never pay much attention to supplemental sections - to me it sounds like the equivalent of saying "the cover of the fall catalog for Italian JC Penney"). Plus I think that Cover Girl isn't on the prize list anymore. Which could mean the end of the super-awkward Cover Girl product placement. So I watched it. And, to be honest, I was kind of dissapointed.
It wasn't the models - there was one girl who seems really talented, and one who really seems to know the industry. Plus they cut the two girls who brought major drama (the "counter-culture" girl that everyone called fake and the girl said she was glad not to have a black roommate. Seriously. She said this. She said it was just poor word choice but...damn, girl). Everyone knows that big stupid drama will come into to play pretty early anyway - when they put in girls who already have enemies by the end of day one, it feels too forced. Anyway, other than that they filled all of their other categories: the manipulator, the sweetheart, the struggling single mom, the girl who's socially awkward. Plus, almost everyone seemed to have long hair, so there's sure to be some tears come makeover time, when Tyra shaves all of them bald and dips their heads in bleach (as she is wont to do).
The problem was, whither the crazy? Suddenly, the show is trying to skew high-fashion, and the casting episode - usually the height of Tyra's Tyra-centric craziness - was largely gimmick free. No Tyra-bot from the future. No Tyra's School For Girls. No random Greek Goddess theme. No Tyra's ridiculously bad French accent for her Mean Model character. Nothing. There was a moment of lip service to it, when Tyra dressed in a private school uniform to introduce a montage about modeling.By which I mean, a montage about Tyra. Photos of Tyra as a kid. Photos of Tyra modeling. Video of Tyra - a full-grown woman - dressed like an eleven-year-old, and acting out her own childhood experiences.
This was a good start, right? Maybe the theme would be "Tyra through the years", and the girls would be forced to turn Tyra's baby pictures into fierce model poses. But no. Just "this year we've grouped you. Into groups. Of people that agents might group you with." Look, I get it. You can't be a crazy CW carnival and a respectable high-fashion gauntlet at the same time. But couldn't you try? Because it's not like one week of (relative) austerity is enough to make everyone forget the year Ms. Jay added a new giant ruffle to his collar for every girl eliminated. Just own your crazy, people.
But it was only one week, so I'm still holding out hope.. Maybe by the time we get to makeover week, Tyra will explain everything in a high voice while wearing a tiara and a big ball gown.
Oh wait, I think she already did that.
This cycle, though, was going to be different. We'd moved, so we had a new DVR which meant ANTM we no longer set to record. So I could just not record it, and that would be that. And that's exactly what I did.
Until 7:30 last night, when I decided I had to check it out. After all, this season's prizes include a spread in Vogue Italia, plus the cover of the beauty supplement (is that prestigious? I never pay much attention to supplemental sections - to me it sounds like the equivalent of saying "the cover of the fall catalog for Italian JC Penney"). Plus I think that Cover Girl isn't on the prize list anymore. Which could mean the end of the super-awkward Cover Girl product placement. So I watched it. And, to be honest, I was kind of dissapointed.
It wasn't the models - there was one girl who seems really talented, and one who really seems to know the industry. Plus they cut the two girls who brought major drama (the "counter-culture" girl that everyone called fake and the girl said she was glad not to have a black roommate. Seriously. She said this. She said it was just poor word choice but...damn, girl). Everyone knows that big stupid drama will come into to play pretty early anyway - when they put in girls who already have enemies by the end of day one, it feels too forced. Anyway, other than that they filled all of their other categories: the manipulator, the sweetheart, the struggling single mom, the girl who's socially awkward. Plus, almost everyone seemed to have long hair, so there's sure to be some tears come makeover time, when Tyra shaves all of them bald and dips their heads in bleach (as she is wont to do).
The problem was, whither the crazy? Suddenly, the show is trying to skew high-fashion, and the casting episode - usually the height of Tyra's Tyra-centric craziness - was largely gimmick free. No Tyra-bot from the future. No Tyra's School For Girls. No random Greek Goddess theme. No Tyra's ridiculously bad French accent for her Mean Model character. Nothing. There was a moment of lip service to it, when Tyra dressed in a private school uniform to introduce a montage about modeling.By which I mean, a montage about Tyra. Photos of Tyra as a kid. Photos of Tyra modeling. Video of Tyra - a full-grown woman - dressed like an eleven-year-old, and acting out her own childhood experiences.
This was a good start, right? Maybe the theme would be "Tyra through the years", and the girls would be forced to turn Tyra's baby pictures into fierce model poses. But no. Just "this year we've grouped you. Into groups. Of people that agents might group you with." Look, I get it. You can't be a crazy CW carnival and a respectable high-fashion gauntlet at the same time. But couldn't you try? Because it's not like one week of (relative) austerity is enough to make everyone forget the year Ms. Jay added a new giant ruffle to his collar for every girl eliminated. Just own your crazy, people.
But it was only one week, so I'm still holding out hope.. Maybe by the time we get to makeover week, Tyra will explain everything in a high voice while wearing a tiara and a big ball gown.
Oh wait, I think she already did that.
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